Just came home for Andy and Yeewen's wedding dinner.
Andy is the son of a family friend btw. 11 years older than me, which makes him about 31 yrs old. Nice guy, lively, with a great smile. Don't really know him or have spoken to him much, but first impressions count...
A wedding. The institution designed to seal the vows of commitment as a mark of true love. That's not always the case nowadays is it? I wish him all the best (:
As i sat there on the couch sipping white wine amidst the crowd and my family, i cldn't help but find myself slipping away into the gloom. i entered my little own world again, oblivious to the people around me. nobody really noticed or cared. i don't remember talking much either, apart from the voices inside my head. it made me depressed. i begin thinking about the unhappiness.
I am envious of happy families. I see them all around me. I think it's an evil I'm destined to live with, and I'm stuck in this wholesomely impossible situation where I don't even talk or communicate with my dad much or to the people around me. After all that has happened all these years I have come to reject many things about them even though things have changed. There is this psychological barrier which I just cannot overcome. I need therapy. Or perhaps just the courage to face it down and eradicate it once and for all, but it would mean digging up the skeletons of the past which are just too painful. I just want to forget them and put them aside. That's not happening. I'm living in the past. That is wrong.
I just want to be happy. have a happy family, like any other normal kid. I want to be able to laugh with them, be carefree and comfortable with them - not be paranoid about what i say or do. I want to be able to talk to anybody confidently with some pride, saying - hey come meet my folks, they would love to meet you! I want to be around people where I can joke and laugh comfortably with them, knowing that they dont take everything seriously and they love me for who I am and not what I try to be.
I just want to be comfortable in my own skin with the people around me.
I look at the wedding dinner and it's proceedings, and I am envious.
That is partly the reason why I say I would never get married.
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1 comment:
HELLO!
i couldn't do it either at first; i dun really talk to my father, mainly becos my father was authoritative, tend to be violent and vulgar. As for my mum, she kinda get moodswings frequently, but i confide things in her more than my dad. Asian families show their love different ba i guess.
But it doesn't mean we cant do anything abt it, haha, u can shape it! Be it 10 years or 20 years down the road, u always be a kid in ur parent eyes, so since u will always be a kid, u will always be love. There is no too late de! ahah Jia you man! I encourage you to fulfil the vision u have in ur family cos I m also trying to shape too! XD Everyone needs to have ownership in the family, so u can definitely do something abt it, especially when u so capable, probably maniupulative. tsk tsk hahah!
Maybe doing something small for them, like buying gifts, can touch their hearts too! XD I din do tt till this year, quite unfilial, probably way worst than u cos i finally realise i resent my parents for their all time tough love till then. But well, i woke up and repented over it. Really happy to see a caring side of u! XD haha TOT U WERE ALWAYS EGO! HAHA
Pray to God for a change in terms of family love and for str to love ya family. Will pray for ya too! XD
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