I watched Das Experiment and Catching Adam Cheng over the weekend. Busted over $70 but here are my views:

DAS EXPERIMENT: THE BLACK BOX.

Everyone who can MUST go and see it. It is a brilliant polemic on what it means to be human and an incisive study of power and human relations under particular stressing and dire consequences. I felt that the space and setting was used rather effectively though i it gave the impression of being cluttered in certain areas. The acting was good - brilliant in fact, for the leading characters. I thought the 'doctors' were not that good though, perhaps due to a lack of real character development. Again there were too many layers of meaning and too many possible ways of analysing that so many questions are thrown up without being ableto be answered adequately. The shock, tension, and anger aroused is however very much commendable on the part of the actors, acting, and the use of props - like the gun shot. Certain moments created a huge impact and impression and the actors must be applauded.

I did also feel that there was a disproportionate development of character for the characters, which I guess is inevitable given the numbers and their relative importance. The lead male actor is absolutely brilliant. He deserves a standing ovation.

On a more personal level, I found many uncanny similarities with BMT. Surprise surprise. Talk about a social study or a social experiment. The main difference is that there is a cap to the amount of power and authority in the military, in the real world. But the very fact that the play is based on a real incident says enough about humans and the possibilities of abuse, given the right coctail of circumstances. Note the abuse of prisoners at Abu Gharaib some yrs back.

I noted some very subtle political criticism with the constant references to 'internal security' and 'only doing our job' etc etc. True that the play as a whole certainly does not make a nice and fitting parallel, but i do not think that it would have been a viable option as it would deviate the play from it's original purpose and intent. What I did like about the play was how the divide between stage and audience, reality and unreality, seemed to slowly merge right from the beginning. By the end of the play, who - actors and audience - could be said to be solely and merely 'spectators' to these unfortunate turn of events? As the play progressed, I began to wonder how I myself would have reacted under those situations and it was dreadfully frightening to see little bits of me appearing on stage now and then when I least expected it. It was as if something out from the dark reached out to remind me of the horror and extremities of emotions I once felt.

More on human nature. Many questions were raised, but I can safely conclude that humans are more than just wires in a box. Liberty is so important to LIFE itself. Liberty is more than just a 'political concept' oft abused by politicians and human rights activists alike. It is something fundamental to BEING HUMAN. Yet to survive we exchange certain elements of it in return for something else - like safety and security. I felt that many humanitarian questions were raised - particularly about crime and punishment - which is impossible to be dealt with by just me alone. I feel horribly perturbed simply because there were so many contradictory 'prototypes' presented and it seemed to be that humans can go either way - or any way in fact! Every human being is different. Can we be simply reduced to mere generalisations and predictions?

That was on saturday night. And on another note, quite a few mediacorp artistes were watching on the same night as me. how lovely. pity i dont like their shows or their acting. i think that theatre offers a better glimpse into real talent.

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CATCHING ADAM CHENG.

Funny and heartwarming. Sure, it was cheesy and cliche at some points and it started slow, but it got progressively better. As a comedy, I didn't expect much character development, though I found the way the characters were unfolded was nicely done. Kudos to IRWIN for his 'maiden' attempt at theatre! It's really not bad. (: good work mr see. nicely done.

and yes, it made me laugh so hard at certain points. good job.

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Now, what's next?

I love Gyorgy! and I got his signature on a poster. I am going to frame it up!
I also managed to tell him what I really thought, and yes - he is absolutely brilliant and a true inspiration.

I haven't felt that way or got excited about anything for such a long time. It's amazing how music can move people at times. Lovely. Just lovely.

Mood: uplifted.

ADAM GYORGY's concert this wednesday! I absolutely love his piano-playing! He's playing almost the same songs as last yr in the same concert hall BUT OH WHAT THE HELL.

Had to go The Substation to get the tics and chanced upon that row of shophouses which i had never ventured to before. Shall definitely go there with nadia after her exams!

in fact there's so much i wanna do with nadia after her exams. cooking is on the list. ah cant wait.

I'm gonna watch Das Experiment and Catching Adam Cheng over the weekend too. yes.

i need more excitement in my life, and im going to get it.

Today was such a fiendishly hot day that I suddenly I remembered I was slapbang in the heart of Southeast Asia. my goodness. it was so intolerably warm.

Spent the early afternoon trying to find the Rough Guides' Southeast Asia bk at BORDERS to no avail, before meeting Kerry for her final shakeup for Lit Paper 4.

I need more students - if you need help in history, literature, KI or GP, I'M YOUR MAN. call me!

There were quite a few things buzzing around my head but I'm having a splitting headache now. I shall attempt to recall...

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I was out with them for dinner last night. I felt myself drifting into the background almost as soon as they arrived. It was kinda scary cuz it only usually happens when there's the whole lot of us and they keep talking amongst themselves about people and things of which I have obviously no inkling and no part of. But it happens and they do it. I decided to drift into this semi-state of consciousness and just ignored what was going on. I think it's horrible how that has to happen when one is supposedly among friends, but I was never close to them in any case. I'm not crazy or cool enough for them, though strangely enough some people think that I am absolutely crazy. It takes 2 hands to clap and I don't think it's right to say that one hand sld go looking for a hand when the hands around it mind their own business. Many just give up and I don't think I blame them for that.

It was a timely reminder though. I hate it. I hate the fact that I seem to be more excited about seeing them than they me, or that my existence is the equivalent of an ornament to 'hang around', without any sincere desire at engagement or conversation. It's stupid. Really stupid. People don't invite themselves to things they weren't originally invited to. I'm sorry but that's not how friendships work.

Maybe it's because life goes on for them and they have moved on, but it doesnt explain why that has been the case since forever. time immemorial. i think im more than just the guy who provides the occasional words of wisdom and advice where one desires it. (I.E. I'M NOT YOUR BOOTY CALL).

I find that as time goes by I close myself off to people more and more as I realise the futility of opening up to them. Friendships don't work that way. It's not a trade-off, that just because you tell them things that they will as well, or that they see you taking this relationship seriously.

And yes, friends are more than just 'having fun together'.

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I think I am now just waiting for the next big RESET button coming my way in 2010.

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This guy came up to me yesterday at City Hall. He was an ex-convict selling pens at exhorbitant pricies. I was appalled at his desperation to sell something. Dignity? Nyet. I don't know why it made such an impact on me but I was thoroughly disturbed by it - it seemed, to put it very bluntly, like he was grovelling and almost begging in a very pathetic way. is society really that impossible for a man? who's the real culprit in the blame game? the crime? prejudice? the fact that he had pre-marital sex and has to raise a child with an equally adolescent wife? Why am I even bothered at this lack of dignity? Who's doing a thing about it?

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I find that I feel for a lot of people. Some have told me I feel too much. Some might say that I am foolish in loving and trusting people that much. I find that it makes me human and it is part and parcel of who I am as a person. I don't think people need to identify with that, but they should at least respect it. You don't have to agree, but you don't have to trample on it either.

I thought that all my past experiences would have hardened me up to the point where I would become an unfeeling scrooge hating the entire world and blaming everyone else like an utter loser. Or perhaps just a cynical prick like many of my fellow countrymen. I don't find it to be the case.

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By blogging what I say, I lose all objectivity. I fail to become a neutral observer on things. That has always been a myth though. No one is entirely objective, but I must at least stress that I have my own perculiar way of seeing the world, and of defining myself and who I am. Perchance there might come a day when understanding takes the place of mere criticism (without suggestions or remedies).

Rain

I love the rain.

The darkness around me. The muffled shades of grey etched in the horizon like a pensive impressionist painting. I walk on and I feel the breeze on my face, touching me and reminding me that I am still alive. I sing with all abandon. I see someone coming and I mouth the words before launching into another crescendo after a safe distance away. sometimes they hear it but i dont care. it's my song now. the song of youth and energy. something you dont have.

i am free because i can sing my song.

I am listening to Rachmaninov Preludes now - another of my favourite composers. Music of which I can never play or compose. That is perhaps the pity and regret. The palette of colors enter me and become brainwaves strumming the drum that is my ear. the sensuous warm tones of the piano provide warmth in this chilly night.

It is yet another night alone. but i am not lonely, because i have my music.

I decide i shall sleep early tonight. I am on the bed typing this. I shall sleep so I can plough through some legal history and theoretical discussions in PREMPTION tml. It will be thursday. I have no plans for tml but to read.

Music is the embodiment of ephemerality because try as we may, we cannot grasp onto the fleeting passions of the moment - the colors, the contours, the emotional highs and lows; the warmth or the cold. That is perhaps the beauty of music and the truth which it reveals to us. Art does reveal certain truths about the world, but it is up to each one of us to find out what it is, to us.

Who said music is useless?

CHOPIN

I'm listening to Chopin as I am typing this entry on my bed.

Some time back, music was the ultimate outlet and the ultimate escape from everything that is reality. I still love music for that reason. I can get lost in the world of the score - that little paradise which the composer creates and fills with structures, progressions, colors, rhythms and form. meaning. contours and artificial highs and lows. a breathtaking cadence takes me into a strange tonal level. every step a new refreshing angle.

i love the crunch of the keys as i listen to the polonaise in A.

the taking away of music then, is the removal of one form of escape. and im forced to look and listen to myself - particularly my inner thoughts. this is an extremely frightening thing to do.

why do i fear myself?

WHY I DONT BLOG (OFTEN)

Have you ever heard yourself say something of which you become ashamed of?

I do. so very often. it is not because i do not think before i speak, but that many a times i am just too embarrased, afraid and yes, ashamed of facing up to the real me.

i hide.

there was too much pain the past and that has left its indelible mark. I run and I bury it within. they resurface once in a while with a vengence. a small and short reminder of the darkness of the past and the ghosts within. the loss. i run further and i dig deeper.

blogging becomes superficial because i do not say what i really feel. i refuse to face up to them - not merely for politically correct, or mere 'sensitivity to others'.

but I have to try right? get the ink flowing once more and get me in touch with me, so that i can get better. life is too short to be spent running away or living in fear. yet it cripples one ever so irrationally.

this is going to be a long and treacherous path.

ANDERSON COOPER

ANDERSON COOPER.

I absolutely love you.

The chances are you reading this are NIL. So here goes:

I read your memoirs. I picked it up at Carrefour for $6. I recognised your face from CNN. and then I read.

I remember this line from The History Boys where Hector talks about the experience of reading literature, and how the best moments are when one finds somebody writing about a feeling, an emotion or experience, where he once thought was peculiar and special to him.

That is the feeling I get when I read your book. I sympathise and I empathise. Don't get me wrong - I know only too well the fallacies of a person saying 'I understand what you went through'. I don't. Perhaps I never will. But I have experienced my fair share of pain in this short life of mine, and I dare say that it was absolutely freaky to read about somebody vocalising that which I have tried so hard to bury deep within me.

It has been a long time since I have achieved any sort of connection with anyone or anything. You have done it. bravo.

I want to believe that every single thing written in that book is true. I feel that it is. I want to put my cynicism aside and for once BELIEVE in something. I am a child of post-modernity and insecurity is only nature.

I believe in you. Pls keep doing whatever you are doing and keep believing in what you do because it does make a difference to people - and to the world - no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Pls do. If I become a war correspondent one day, it will be because of you, and I want you to know that. Maybe if i follow in your footsteps, perhaps I may find want im looking for in this life. Perhaps then, I can finally escape.

If I was christian and religious, I would say that you would definitely be on my prayer every night and may God help you find the peace that you want and the happiness that you deserve.

I love you.